The Effects of Divorce on Children

Staying together for the children when a marriage goes wrong is all very noble but is it the right thing to do? Divorce can quite often be the better option even for them as the tension within the home can do more damage than separation. Even if there isn't all the shouting, arguing and slamming of doors children can sense when things are not quite right and may even think it could be their fault.

Once the decision to divorce has been made it is important to keep the children informed of what is happening using vocabulary appropriate to their age. Make sure they are clear on how they will be affected and try to make their upheaval as little as possible. To have to change schools or move away from their friends at such a time can make the process far more difficult for them.

It's also important that both parents let them know they are not to blame and reinforce this message without actually blaming anyone. They do not need to know who did what, just that it isn't their fault.

One of the worst thing that can happen to a child during the divorce process is to find themselves torn between the two parents wondering if they should be siding with one or the other. Never confide in your child no matter how old they are. Find an understanding friend to share your troubles with. Your child needs to be able to freely love both parents.

Keeping schools and other organisations your children belong to informed is a good idea. The official adults they are in contact with can then make more informed decisions on how to behave with your child. They are also more likely to notice if there are any profound changes in your child's behaviour which may suggest they are not handling the situation well. There is no shame in divorce these days. It is certainly not uncommon and these official adults may well have previous experience with children in this situation and be able to help.

All this is very well as long as both parents are prepared to play ball. If your ex-partner is being awkward in any way then admit to your children that you do not agree with the way they are behaving without actually putting the other partner down. This is a really difficult situation to be in but try not to drag the children into the argument.

Rarely is shared custody awarded to parents these days so there will be just the one principle carer. Children need to know, however, that both parents still want to be a part of their lives. For the person who does not have principle care it is important that your children know your home is theirs too. Make a space fro their belongings to stay for when they visit.

Eventually one or both parents will enter a new relationship. This, too, can be an unsettling experience for the children, especially if the introduction is handled in the wrong way. It is often less stressful to introduce a new partner as a friend at first and to make sure that any intimate moments take place away from their eyes and ears. This way the children can form a good relationship with this person and be happy when they find out that the association is rather more than 'just friends'.

Another issue that can sometimes arise for children of divorced parents is that there may only be one parent at important events such as school plays or getting ready for the graduation ball. It is very reassuring for them to have both parents at important times of their life. They want you both to be proud of them. The main carer should, therefore, try to make sure the other parent is aware of these events and knows how to get tickets if they need them. After all, your marriage may not have lasted 'til death you do part, but you are still partners in the care and upbringing of your children.